I know this forum is mainly for twins, but I've been going out with an identical twin (aged 35)for several years now and thought you might be interested to hear a non-twins perspective on how our relationship survives.

Well, I believe the only reason it survives is because I've been very tolerant of the 'twin bond' between my boyfriend and his brother, for so long. However, we have all been living in the same flat for two years, and I feel that my tolerance has made me more vunerable to accepting an unfair situation.

The brother is a quiet, withdrawn character who hasn't had a steardy girlfriend in the seven years I've known him. This poses a problem for my boyfriend and I as the brother doesn't socialise with anyone other than us and our friends and he stays in most evenings and weekends, leaving us with no time to ourselves. What's even nore frustrating is that the brother is financially independant, but my boyfriend still pays the rent and bills...

I know that twins are meant to be close, but I'm uncertain whether the brother's behaviour is anything to do with closeness and more to do with other problems that the brother has. I have yet to pluck up the courage to talk to the brother about my concerns, preferring to leave it to my boyfriend, but the brother just gives him the silent treatment and brush criticisms aside if he raises them.

So, my dilemma is whether to intervene where my boyfriend has failed and try to help the brother build his own life without alienating him too much. I'm finding it hard to pluck up the courage to have this conversation however - quite frankly it scares me, but I don't feel I have any other choice if my relationship is to survive.

My health is definately starting to suffer. My advice to non-twins who are at the beginning of a relationship with a twin is to lay down the ground rules early, and be prepared to compromise, but not to the point where your own relationship is sacrificed.

Any advice from twins or non twins would be welcome

i read you what you had to say on the topic of dating a twin. i am an identical twin and my sister has been dating the same guy for 5 years. they are now engaged and have been living together for about 4 years. i really found what you said interesting. since the beginning of my sisters relationship there have been struggles between her boyfriend, now fiance, and myself. i never lived with them, but i was around them a lot. being that he is very aggressive in getting what he wants, he made it clear that he wanted more time with her alone. i understood what he had to say, however the way that he said it hurt. we would all get into huge fights and it was horrible. being with your twin your whole life and then suddenly everything changing and not because you have a relationship(the other twin), is very difficult. handling the situation as the person with the twin is a very difficult. i really do understand your situation and i know how hard this all is. i know that i am rambling but i guess that the bottom line is that they did set the ground rules. i had to develop my own life which is essential for me in the long run. twins are extrememly close, but they are not the same person. each one has to have their own life. life is all about balance. if your boyfriend really loves you, he had to understand what you are trying to say. he has to want to have his own life too or else something is wrong. as hard as it is, you have to express what you want. i really hope that everything works out. you have to really be open about what you want in this life, or you will never be completely happy.

Twins are extremely close, and the "twin bond" exists. I love dearly my other siblings, but it simply is different with my twin. I can't describe or explain it, I just accept it because it's there.

I am a 30something first born identical twin. My sister and I live together, and love each other, but we do have problems. She is much like the brother you described, she doesn't date or go out, unless it's with me. She has a car phobia (can't drive) so can't really go anywhere at all without a lot of difficulty. We live some distance from our family, too, so she is extremely dependant on me for socializing, getting to work, shopping, etc.

I am in a long term relationship with a really great guy. He tries very hard to be understanding and supportive about my "other" relationship, even goes to "twin events" with us to try to understand it all a little more. But I know it's put a strain on our relationship many times. I know he sometimes feels slighted by the amount of time my sister gets from me, and maybe burdened by including her in our activities. (I usually try to include her about once every other week when we go out to movies, dinner, clubs, etc.)

I love my sister and we have the bond probably only other twins would understand, but I am in love with my boyfriend, so it is stressful to me whenever problems arise. She is very jealous of the time I spend with my boyfriend, sometimes even crying, sulking, etc, when we do things wthout her. He tried to stay over here a few times, but it led to almost outright hostility from her (though she says she likes him a lot), so he rarely comes here anymore, I go to his place. (she usually complains then about being left alone all the time...)

I realize that she probably has emotional problems that go beyond twin closeness, but I have never been able to confront her about them. As the older twin I have a very deep protective reaction to hurt or harm to her, and have found it impossible to be the one to cause them. I have found this to be true in varying degrees in all twins I know, as well (several hundred sets now, from all over the world).

I guess I don't know the answer to your or my situation, I do know identical twins and their partners often confront similar situations. There are studies that show identical twins marry significantly less often, and divorce at a higher rate than the general population, but I don't know if I really believe that, or accept that it is something that can't be 'over come' if it is. I look forward to the day I become engaged to this man, but I know it will create a whole new set of problems, too.

My sister and I are planning to buy a house outright in the next few weeks. I know she sees it as someplace for us, and I see it as a place for us for the moment, too, but also as my possible freedom (strong word) in the future. If I marry, I'll know she will be secure there. I could leave and at least not worry about her finding somewhere to go, making the rent on her own, etc. But I know my boyfriend worries about me "buying a house for someone else to live in".

Well, I've gone on and on and haven't offered any advice or solutions. Guess I don't have any myself. Maybe other twins and their partners who have resolved this kind of problem successfully will give us some.....

Can I relate. I'm married to an identical twin and I know exactly how hard it can be to feel like you are in a relationship with two people, one unwanted. I am lucky in that my husband does not view being a twin as a central part of his identity. He had been a bachelor along time when we met and his brother had been married for years so his reaction to us being together was a surprise. It was shocking to me and to my now husband how his twin reacted to him having someone in his life. After a time of "putting up" with what felt like an intrusion and disrespect of our relationship I had a talk with my husband. It felt to me that my husband's twin expected me to be understanding of their relationship but he didn't have to be understanding or respectful of ours. I explained how I felt to my husband. He in turn told me how he felt, which was exactly the same and we talked about our expectations. Like your boyfriend's brother my now brother in-law ignored or refused to listen to what his brother was telling him. It came to harsh words, fighting and long spells of pouting followed-up with his brother trying to act like they had never talked and everything was status quo. Boundaries have been set now and things are much better. It was a really painful process but ultimately I'm happy and my husband is happy and doesn't feel responsible for his twin anymore. Your boyfriend can't expect you to be his life partner and be 2nd to his twin. That doesn't mean they can't be close or have a "special" relationship but they need to be real about how much a romantic/life partner should have to deal with.

I am the 2nd born twin. Of the two of us I am the shyer one, the one less likely to be in a relationship myself. I know my twin has always regared me as the weaker one, needing protection, though I have NEVER asked for it, and don't feel in any way I need it. In fact I deeply resent the implication. We are simply two different people, with different out looks on how things should be done. But she's a very "her way or no way" type personality. Mostly I let it ride to keep the peace, and figure when we seperate I'll take over the resonsiblities she seems to need to clutch to herself right now.

Our relationship is not the greatest right now anyways, for many reasons, but one VERY important one.

(my father is the only one to whom I've ever told the whole sorry story until now)

Several years ago there was a guy I was interested in. I thought I had a shot, as he spent lots of time talking to me, and we were begining, I thought, to build a friendship. I told my sister about him, and she encouraged me to get to know him better (she knew him at that time too).

Around that time, my sister ended a long term relationship in a messy sticky manner. She was pretty messed up and I stuck close to her side whether she wanted me to or not. I was worried. We both began to pal around with the guy I was interested in. I was trying to work up my nerve to tell him how I felt.

After several months, a chance comment from a friend of this guy revealed to me that he was interested in my sister, and had been before he ever spoke to me. I was devestated.

I was comforted, however, by the positive knowledge that he had no chance with my sister, as she knew I was interested in him, and she was still getting over the previous relationship. I even said to her "I think he likes you" in a teasing manner to sort of sound out her feelings. She immediately said "Don't say that! I'll be uncomfortable around him from now on!". I felt better knowing she didn't like that idea any more than I did. I decided to continue the friendship, and see what I could do to turn his interest to me.

At that time my job was taking up more and more of my time, often requiring me to work 65+ hour a week. They often hung out without me, going to dinner with other friends, or out to movies, etc. I never thought twice about it because, duh, we were twins, and I just knew she would never do something like that.

(So, I think you know where this is going.)

To make a long story short, one night in July she didn't come home. I spent the night convinced she was dead somewhere, because what was really happening was so far from my list of possibles as to be unthinkable. When she eventually came home, and I realized what had happened, the floor went right out from under me. I felt betrayed and hurt and humiliated, and angry, and oh I don't know what. How could she do that? I couldn't even speak to her, I was so devestated.

I spent three days in bed. The betrayel just knocked me off my feet. She acted like she had no idea anything had happened, and that I was acting like a crazy person staying in bed for three days. I didn't speak to her the whole time, I was so choked with pain I couldn't.

After two weeks of agony, with her la-la-la-ing around all excited over her new relationship, and me basically not speaking a word to her, my pride reared its head.

I began to act as though nothing had happened either. But our relationship was decidedly different. I felt like a totally different person, like I'd been twisted into a new shape. I began to be deliberatly unpleasant to her. I was the biggest pain in the world to be around I'm sure.

After a few weeks of this, I decided they were never to learn how much they had hurt me, and I even resumed my friendship with him. I was able to pretend that when she was not at home she was in some Neverland somewhere, not with him. I dealt with the pain of betrayal anyway I could, NEVER revealing it to them in any manner.

About 6 months into their relationship, our Mother passed away. It was at that point I thought my life would end, too. The load of pain I was carrying was unbearable. Surely my heart would just stop beating. It was a horrible, awful time, made worse by the fact that he often comforted her, but never once, not one single time, did he express any condolences to me. NOT ONE WORD.
I began to not give a damn what either of them thought, often simply bursting into tears in their presence, or reacting angrily to anything I perceived as a dig at me.

Several months after this, he was rendered temporarily homeless. She invited him to stay with us!!! It was so unbelievable to me. You'd think I would have realized by this time that clearly they cared nothing for my feelings.
I angrily told her that he was not staying in my house, and even went so far as to say something to him. God knows what he thought. That I was a prude, or jealous of her having someone besides me, or what. But they both ignored me, and he stayed on and off for sevearl weeks.

In a way it was a mixed blessing, because it was during this time that I realized that I didn't really care for him in that way any longer. I don't like his attitude towards many of the things that are important to me. He can actually be a pretty unpleasant person.

But that did nothing to soothe the pain I still felt over her actions.

After several months, another chance comment by the same friend of his, revealed that they both believed me to be painfully jealous of their relationship. Not because I had been the one to express interest in him at first, but because I was a jealous twin, unable to handle the idea of my twin building a life without me.

At that point I swore that nothing either of them ever did would get the truth from me. Let them think what ever the hell they wanted!

He even confronted me once about why I was tying my sister down, and making her worry about me. I blew him off with joking words, meanwhile thinking "Who the f*ck are you to speak to me like this?"!

To this day I can't stand to be around both of them. I try to spend what time I can spend with my sister away from him, as she is still my twin, and I can't cut her out of my life, but I know they both view that as another symptom of my jealousy. I am convinced they think I'm a mental case. How clueless they can be. sigh.

Every so often they invite me somewhere with the both of them, and I go, trying to pretend like it doesn't kill me. I even heard him say once how proud he is of himself for being able to handle the realtionship as well as he does. Again, I thought WTF??!!!

Anyhow, she and I now own a house together, and I'm hoping that it will be a place that I can eventually leave her, and know that she'll have somewhere safe, that's hers and hers alone, should her relationship ever end.

I myself plan to move as far away from the both of them as possible, as soon as possible. Once my father has passed away, I'm out of this city, this state, maybe this country. But I'll try to make sure she feels comfortable coming to me should she ever need to. She will always be my twin.